Why?....

I can't believe I am doing this. This is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do in my life. Yet, I feel compelled to write this letter. In fact, I have restarted this several times. I want to share with you something very important to me. I have anguished over this for months. Trying to figure out just how I would do this.. how I would find the words. I know if I tried to do all this in person, I would not be able to say all I wanted and would no doubt find the words difficult to speak. Even now, I feel tears welling up within me as I try to get started here.

Please know that I love you so very much and that is the reason I am writing this letter. It is for no other reason. Now, don't panic... everything is all right... really.  I want to tell you something that you may have suspected or even known for sometime if only subconsciously. For me, I have come to a pivotal point in my life and the choices are now, finally, clear. On October 7th 1998 I started a ride that was completely unexpected. It was on that day that my heart ached so deeply and I could not share my pain. There was no one that would understand what I was feeling. I cried that night as I went to sleep and thought of Matt Shepard that had been beaten almost to death early that morning in Wyoming. He later died of the injuries on the 12th and I was heart broken. Somehow I felt totally crushed as I wept and felt so alone. I can't explain why this had such a profound impact on me because there had been incidents like this before. I just know that this some how sparked something in me and I realized I had to act. OK it's time for me to use the word. Matt was a gay student and that alone was the reason he was beaten and left for dead. No other reason... how sad.  Matt was so innocent and gentle yet apparently a threat to some. Well, I'm writing this letter to tell you that I too am gay. So know you know the most deep dark secret I have been hiding for as long as you have know me. I'll be curious to know if you suspected of even knew. I have lived in fear of somehow some day being discovered. You can not guess how absolutely terrifying this has been and how I fought with every fiber of my being to keep this hidden. Well no more. It's funny, but with this out in the open, there is nothing I am now afraid of. The openness and honesty this allows is most wonderful. I know this may be a shock to you, and for that, I am truly sorry. I can only say that I am not doing this for any other reason than because I love you and I feel I must be honest as I move forward with my life. There is such an incredible feeling of a heavy weight being lifted from my chest. I know I risk losing your friendship and love, but that is how important this all is to me. I trust I will not but if I do, I will try to understand. There is after all a lot of intolerance in this world and sadly, some even founded in faith. Following Matt's death, I was reading an article in Time Magazine about Matt's funeral and came across what was intended to be an example of the intolerance that exists in America. It described how a minister said he wanted to dance on Matt's grave as a symbol of God's intolerance. "While his family prepared for his burial and spoke of Shepard's gentleness and tolerant ways, a Kansas minister with a web site called godhatesfags.com made plans to do a grave dance at the funeral." This was very painful for me to hear and I guess it became my wake up call. How could I let this go on? Was this my God? Did he hate me? What was happening?

There are a few things I hope you will come to realize. Because I have always been afraid to discuss this with you. I really don't know what your views are about homosexuality though I have heard the occasional joke or slur. I am ashamed to say that even I did this and might have been considered homophobic by some. All part of the act based in fear. I thank God for his forgiveness and I pray others I might have hurt will forgive me too. I am, of course, an expert I guess and I can tell you that this is something very deep within me and if nothing else I want you to know I was born gay. It was not something anyone caused. It's not a choice that I made. It's not a lifestyle. I guess I would have given almost anything to not be gay but I can't do that. It is part of me. In fact, I can not be me without it. Please know, I am the exact same person you have always loved before. I have not changed. I also know that I am just the way that God made me and he does not make mistakes. I am perfect in his eyes and I know he loves me as he loves you. I have finally been able to reconcile my life with being a Christian and I find much peace in this. And now... I can be ME. You know... we (gays) are everywhere. We are your friends, your relatives, teachers, professionals, coworkers, and church members. It's just that you likely don't know it. We have all the same emotions and feeling anyone else has. The same need to be loved, the same need to give love.

As a teen growing up I must tell you that it was very difficult. I knew I was different, didn't understand why, didn't want to be different,  and agonized over it. To not fit in during those years is more painful than you will ever know. There were times that I was so afraid, so alone, so ashamed, that I knew I would kill myself if anyone discovered my secret. There was simply no other choice. Perhaps you can get a sense of what I felt if you were to think about it this way. Suppose you were told that the very real desires you feel were terrible and it was wrong for you to act on those feeling and you had to instead try to feel that way about the other sex? Or, you might just try to live your life as a total secret and not express any of the love or desire that is in you. How would that make you feel? Well that is how it has been for me. Thank God I got through those years. The only option at that time was to lie to myself and deny the truth but somehow I also always felt like I was lying to God. Almost like I was trying to hide myself from Him as well. I guess this turns out to be one of the biggest unexpected benefits I am now experiencing. Because I have finally accepted myself, I have come to know God so much better in the last few months. I realize now that he has known me all along and that I have nothing to hide from God. He knows me completely and in a way, we are becoming friends. The experiences I have had in my faith in the last few months are nothing short of amazing. When I worship, I hear words with clarity like never before and experiences emotions flowing over me that usually leave me trying to hold back tears. Some times I just let them flow. It's hard to explain but I just feel so good, so free, and have a sense of where I should be heading with Gods help. Somehow, by freeing myself, accepting myself, I now have the most wonderful relationship with God.

Sadly, gays are the new minority to be kicked around. It is even considered fashionable to do so. For many, we are even looked at as less then human. It should be obvious then that this is not a motivating reason for anyone to come out as Gay. Gay is something much deeper than a choice. Gay is something that is felt from birth. I didn't choose it any more than you chose to me heterosexual. The only reason we come out is to fight our fears, to accept ourselves, and to move forward with our lives.

There is one more factor that has also influenced me here. I have found a very dear friend that has given me so much encouragement and kindness and yes, love. His name is Ken. One of the things he has taught me is that it is who I am that is important and not what I am. This is so simple yet so profound. I know now that God had a hand in our paths crossing. I'll be anxious to tell you more about Ken. Just know that he has shown me I am capable of love and that I am happier than I think I have ever been in my life. He has helped me so much in this curious ride that I am experiencing and I can summarize it in something I came to realize one night while chatting with Ken...  " I used to be a sinner that thought about perverted things for my own self pleasure and was not happy with what I was. Now... first off the what I am is irrelevant. Who I am, is a loving Christian that is capable of love and of being loved. Someone that wants to share all that I can and do so in the eyes of God knowing that he wants me to share his wonderful gift... love."

One thing I do know for sure is that by finally coming to accept myself, I am happier than I have ever been in my life and you might have even noticed that I can't stop telling those dear to me that I love them. I just seem to be smiling a lot more. As I have become more honest with myself, I suddenly find I am able to be honest with all my emotions. This is a wonderful gift, a blessing by God's grace. It has been so difficult for me to even utter the word gay. I am getting better at it now but as hard as it has been for me, I guess it will be even harder for you. I do hope we can talk about all this very soon. I know that families often react to a person coming out as some kind of an attack upon the family and it's heritage. We just want to continue to be loved by our families, and in fact the fear of losing this love is profound. It is the reason that so many Gay young people commit suicide rather than take that risk to see if their families will still love them. Know that I love you very much. I hope you can still love me and that somehow you will understand why I needed to tell you I am gay. I don't know why, but I just am. Please do not take away your love for me. I need you in my life now more than ever.

Love... Jim