Summer of 1999

Will you just look at the beautiful scenery.  The beautiful blue skies, the light puffy clouds, the lake, the trees.  That is what greeted me the first time I went to visit Jim.  Can you see why I would be more than willing to be smiling?  Yeah, that is me, not quite a teenager, but far from being beyond hope.  As a matter of fact, this picture was taken by my dearest, just  a few months after I was born, well I guess I should say reborn, because life is brand new, exciting and soooo different.   And you know what?   I love it.  I absolutely love it.  The one thing that  I really want you, our wonderful guest to know, is that as happy as I look in this picture, it in no way shows the real joy that is living in me.  If you want  to see that kind of joy you have to go back to Jim's Page and get a good look at what God has placed in my life.  Now that is someone and something to be happy about, and so very proud of.  I said I loved my new life, well sitting in that boat you see the reason for my love.  Well, to be absolutely precise,  that is my love.

• Just like Jim I believe.... "Openness and total honesty are required for any relationship. Period."  It is not the reason I came out, but it is a major portion of my life.  As a matter of fact it is 'the Truth and honest way of life' is the real change in me.  I have always been gay, but lied about it all my life, to everyone including myself.  Now being open enough to admit being gay, well it has opened ALL the other areas of my life too, and this Open and honest way of life works there too.
• My continued and actually "re-found" (how's that for a word) faith in My God.  It is amazing to me that with all that I had learned in the past, I knew the words of faith, the basis of faith, the understanding of faith, but never let that into my life either.  Now I KNOW without a doubt of God's continued Love, Protection, Guidance, and Purpose.  Now I can claim, "I am a real Child of God who is loved and cared for by God first and foremost, but also by the people He has placed in my life as well."
• Hopes and dreams yet to be

• I like talking.  (Yeah, I do get a lot of teasing because of it, but people still listen).
• I like using my hands to accomplish something that is real and visible.
• I like computers, the internet, classical music and music know as 'oldies'  (Yeah a copy of My Jim's list)
• I like playing soccer, or racquet ball, or any sport that puts me to the test.
• I like Jim.  (Yeah I know I said "after my Jim" but he just keeps popping into my mind.
• I like to cook, and experiment with foods,  just to see what new sensations I can come up with.  (have had a few disasters too I suppose).
• I love to sing.  A little bashful at times, until you get me in a choir, and I have to admit when I am in church I can be heard pretty well.
• I like to use my brain.  Seems like I got a pretty good one, and well just can't see wasting anything.
• I like jokes, both the telling, (not great at it) and the hearing of jokes.  Sarcasm I guess is one of my best tools
• I like writing, mostly prose, or 'think' items.   ( Jim is the poet)
• I like walking and hiking, camping and fishing,  skiing both water and snow, bike riding, most sports (not basketball, I guess I will have to explain that later)
• I like movies like: Mostly sci-fi, or adventure, or comedy.  Not much into the "love stories"  And drama is okay if the plot and acting is pretty good.
• I like Songs like: From this Moment, No Matter What, You've got a way with Me, Steppenwolf, The Doors,  Three Dog Night, and especially the Moody Blues.  (although if I have a choice give me a good old fashion "Classical" composer anytime.)
• I like to speak in public.  Oh yeah one that might scare a lot of people, but then I have had a little practice at it.  Just wish I could find something to say that people would pay me for.  Ha.:)
• I like my family.  Seems like that should be obvious, but as you will learn later (if you keep reading that is) that was not always the truth.

• I want to learn to play the violin. There is a "duet" in the future sometime when Jim learns to play the piano, and I learn to play the violin.  If you are really nice, you might even be invited to a concert.  Oh brother.
• I want to learn to do lots more on the computer,  as you might be able to tell Jim is guiding me through a lot of what I am doing right now.
• I want to make some money for a change.  (that is for a change, not as change)

• Be open and honest, even if you find it difficult to do.  In the long run, it does prove to be the best thing you can do.
• Enjoy the ride. Getting there can be as much fun as being there, as a matter of fact it doesn't matter much where you are headed, as long as you have the wisdom to enjoy it as you are going along.
• Tell those that you love that you do... and do it often.  Make sure it is not words only, but in actions, looks, doing the little things that mean so much, but take no time at all to plan or do.
• Be creative and exciting in love. Now it was Jim who found these wonderful and maybe silly things, but it does make being in love and showing it so much more pleasant.   50 ways to please your lover
• Live in the  present, for the past is gone and you can't do a thing about that, and the future ain't here yet.  Remember now is a gift, that is why the call it the "present"
• Remember that Life is fun, if you are willing to accept it as fun.  But if your want it to be a bummed out place and time, well you can manage that real well to.  Attitude towards what is happening makes the different.  Always remember:  "I don't have to like any given situation, but I have to like me in it."
• Do something every day that scares you a little bit, and reach beyond what you "know" you can do.
• Keep a journal and be totally honest with all your feelings
• Allow others to feel what they feel, don't judge their feelings anymore than you want them to judge yours.
• Work hard... Play hard...  Love easy

Now before I begin this, a lot of this may sound like I am feeling sorry for myself, and that I have fallen deeply into the "poor me's".  However, I want you to know even before you begin to read, all of these things were necessary for me, to prepare me to begin and live the life I now have.  One of openness, freedom, joy and most of all love, unrestricted, unquestioning love.  It is a tale of joy and not of sorrow.  So as you read, don't think the worst, but know it heads toward the best.
 

What is the old comic's phrase:  I started life very young.  I am not going to say I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but I did have all the advantages of a Baby boomer.  Mom worked and Dad worked two jobs to make sure we did not go without the things we needed for life.  No not a lot of extras, but more than we really needed.  But just like our little friend Pooh, (a nickname my Jim calls me, silly old bear) I was still always looking for some hunny (spelled wrong on purpose) in my life.  I knew what the hunny was, but was never willing to admit it.  I am the Baby of the family, (a great place to be most of the time) and while I have always loved my family, they did not always prove to be the family I liked.  Pat my sister, and Russ my brother and I had the typical "arguments" and the constant sibling rivalry.  But I do remember 'kiddom' as a pretty good time.  But even then I guess I was wondering about who I was.  I have to admit, while there was a lot of love in the house, it was not shown a lot.  Mom was always a bit of a screamer.  And well "towing the line" was a big deal.

I do remember though I always had lots of friends.  Never seemed to run out of people to be around.  But never really told any of them what was deep inside of me.  I knew that something wasn't like them, and I didn't want to risk loosing the contact of people so I just kept my mouth shut.   Besides, I was always the "little guy"  short, thin, and everyone "knew" I couldn't do stuff as good as them.  I guess that is how I got so stubborn (Jim likes to oink at me for being pigheaded)  I just knew I was as good as others, even if I had to kill myself to prove it to them.  Oh how silly we can be.  Notice I didn't say when we were kids, cause I carried that into most of my life.

Ahhh, High school years, what a "treat" those were.   I had planned since I was in fifth grade what I wanted to be and how to go about doing it.  When my Grandpa and Mr. Rathjen, my fifth grade teacher (who also just happened to be the best of friends) died within four days of each other, I knew right then it was a sign from God, and that He was calling me to do some special work.  So what could be more special than to become a Minister.  From the day of Grandpa's funeral on, I set my goal and purpose on being a minister.  Which meant, of course, I had to go to a special High School and College and then on to Seminary.  Oh, but I am getting ahead of myself here.  When I started High School I was 4'9" tall;  a fact that was not allowed to be lost by anyone who knew me, I was constantly reminded of my physical deficiency, being short.  I must have weighed almost a 80 lbs, and once again "little guy" came into play.  Then I was also blessed with hitting puberty very late, nearly 15 before it finally arrived.  I will never forget hating to go to gym class.  You know even in pre ministerial  gym class guys can be cruel.  But then once again my over achiever took over and I spent most of my time proving to all around that I was just one of the guys, and finally I broke through the ice, was accepted and liked for what I could do.  Boy, if you haven't read those words yet in this site, please look a little deeper.  Somewhere you will see, It is not what you are but who you are that counts.  Took me a very long time to learn that.

I was really great at the dating game, Ha.  My first date I was as a freshman in High School, one on which dad had to drive us around, and my next date was as a Freshman in College.  As you might suspect, I didn't have a really good time on that first date.  Besides, being at an all boys school, the pressure to date was a little less than at a "normal" High School, and deep inside, I much rather enjoyed the company of my classmates.

Ah, but finally the growth hormone kicked in.  I shot up 9 inches in height, and gained about 60 lbs.  I was a monster.  Now if you are not real good at math let me tell you that 9 inches added to 4'9"  makes you 5'6", and that is where I stopped..   See a real monster.  And at 140#  well you know High School,  the butt of jokes, the one picked on.....    But you know, as sad as this all might read to someone just sneaking a peek, I had a wonderful time in High School.  Wouldn't have changed anything because it helped me get through to the point I am finally at now.

 Well to keep this in the realm of the readable,  (see I told you I like to talk)  College and Seminary were pretty much the same as High School,  Not a great student, but then, as we were often told: "being average in the group of exceptional people makes you pretty good".  Ha.

The only real difference was that in College I met and started dating Chris.  Yup, the one I thought I could love forever.  Actually she was my best friend, and it was expected that "preachers" get married.  So what choice did I have.  Even to this day, I do love Chris, but you know it was never ever, anything more than a love between friends.  I didn't think I could be honest with her and tell her I thought I might be gay, that would crush her.  And when the babies came along...... "well doesn't that prove your not gay"?  I think there are a lot of people who think that.  The only thing it really means is that the equipment is not defective.

So I completed the four years of college, and 5 years of graduate school (seminary) and served my "internship" in Connecticut.  All the while going through the old "late sixties and early seventies college crisis".  For those of you old enough to remember that was a trying time in education and in the nation.  Everyone was a rebel and if not a rebel part of the establishment.  Both of which did not fit into my chosen career.  Boy, God must have had a great sense of humor, picking me to be a pastor with all the extra stuff going on inside of me.

 Well I finally made it,  twelve years of education directed specifically toward one goal, and I made it.  I was somebody then.  I mean look at what I got accomplished.  Now surely people would have to look up to me and respect me, and I could start liking who I was.  Oh brother, was I wrong.

I have to admit though, my overachiever attitude, and the special talents God had given me, made me one "hell" of a pastor.  No I am not trying to brag, but I do now recognize, that if there was ever any kind of preacher that I might have been able to go to and tell my deepest darkest secrets, I was that kind of preacher.  So why didn't I?  Because I was afraid to ever think about being gay.  Even in my "occupation" I taught people that gay was sinful and damnable.  I couldn't admit to that,  I couldn't accept that I could go to hell.  So I kept pretending.  For twenty years in the ministry  I pretended, and lied to myself and others about who I was.  Oh,  I was a pretty good liar in that respect too.  No one ever caught on.  At least that is what I thought.

I served parishes in Connecticut, Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Montana. I was well respected, had climbed the ladder, (if there is such a thing in the ministry) to a place of respect both in the church and in the communities where I served.  I made myself indispensable so that no matter what, (especially if someone should discover my secret,) they would not think too harshly of me.

In time, there were some big changes in my life and soon I found I had lost my beloved position in the ministry,  made my wife feel like she had to divorce me,  pretty much lost my kids, and found myself in a position where, I literally had to start over from scratch to try to build a new life. Finally, I came to a realization that all my thoughts, all my fears about being gay, were possible.  I really had to look very hard at some things, and finally did.  And even though I knew most of my life that I was gay, that is when the coming out process really began.
 

My Coming out story:

I guess I made my very first steps in the coming out process more difficult than I needed to.  After my divorce, I had to begin to build a new life.  Part of life, (like it or not) is doing laundry.  I had made it a habit to go to a local laundromat every Friday morning for the "Early Bird" special,  One free wash for every 10 or something like that.  Well there I met the manager of the Store, Sheila, and another lady who also was after the special,  Sue.  After about a year an a half of doing laundry with the same folks around each week, well you get to know them and in my case we became friends.  Sue was a over dominated wife, who just really enjoyed getting out and being among "real" people for a while.  She was an intellectual, and an avid reader, very open minded, and very willing to listen.  It didn't take long for me to admit to being an expreacher, and to my crime to both of the ladies.  They were both very supportive and gave me courage to continue the friendship.  But as I learned in group sessions you can't have a friendship that is based on secrets, or part truths.  The fact that I was gay, which I was learning about more and more, had to be revealed if our friendship was ever going to be more than just an acquaintance.  I had to get the "balls" up and make a statement.  Well I had heard Sheila talking many times in jest, about the "boyfriends" that came into her business, so I knew she was anti-gay.  So I told Sue.  I was willing to take a risk on her friendship.  And you know it didn't make a tiny bit of difference to her.  As a matter of face she felt so "honored" as she put it, for me to trust her enough with this secret.  It was the start of a wonderful friendship, one in which we could be honest with each other.  But there was still Sheila.  How could I tell her.  I talked to Sue about it, telling her that I needed Sheila's friendship too.  Sue only said.  "She won't mind because it is you."  Wow.  I really had to think about that.  Sheila give up her gay bashing because of  WHO I am, rather than WHAT I am.  Well, I thought, there are other laundromats in town.  No time like the present.  You know I was so scared, I can't even remember the words I used.  But it was very clear to her, that I am gay.   Her only response was,  "Well, just don't sleep around and get AIDS and die on me."  That was it.  I had told someone, actually two someone's, and I was still alive, and they were still my friends, no they were more than friends now, they were confidants.

Now Sue and Sheila were good healthy risks, but they could have rejected me, and I would have been able to go on in life pretty much the same as before, I would have had to go to another Laundromat, but well the risk was actually a small one.  If they would have turned their backs on me, like has happened to some, well I would have discovered that they were not really friends in the first place.  But now, now it was time to face telling my family, and if they rejected me, well it is a little hard to be cut off from Mom and Dad and Sister and Brother and the like.  Mom and Dad were coming to visit for the first time since my divorce and my run in with the law.  I was scared to see them, because of that fact alone.  But I also set my mind that they were not going home until I had come right out and told them that I was gay.  Oh I was sure it would kill mom, and Dad would simply get in the car and head for home.  They spent a week with me, and  it was getting close to the time when they were to go.  I had been talking all week to them about some of the things I had learned, but now it was time to "hit them" with the BIG one.  We sat at the kitchen table, playing cribbage.  I said I have to tell you guys something very important before you go home again.  I am gay.  Yup, just blurted it out.  Mom said,  "We know, Is it  my deal?"

The only thing I could think of saying is "What the hell?"  Now you have to understand I do not cuss, or at least at that point I didn't cuss, (still don't too much)  "Oh yeah ,we have know for a while, and we are still your parents.  nothing is going to change that."  Mom said.  "Well, you know I have never been with anyone like that, I said , almost apologizing."    trying to salvage something to be ashamed of from my imagined disaster of life.  But it all went okay.  No they were not turning handsprings, no, they were not eager for me to go out and find a "lover".  But they were okay with it.  You know, in almost 50 years of life, it was the first time I felt real pride in my parents.  The relationship I had always wanted with them began to live on that day.  It was only six months later that Mom's health put her in the hospital when she visited next.  And only 5 months after that the Lord called her home.  What a joy to know I had 11 months of being really in love with my Mom, and knowing for sure that she loved me for who I am rather than What I am.

I had lived alone for almost 3 years, and oh how lonely I had gotten.  I finally asked one of the therapists, if she knew of some group or organization I could contact to find someone "like myself", just for someone to talk to, to be able to understand some of the feelings I had, the fears long implanted from the church, and from my youth.  Someone who would look at me with eyes that were open and not focused on just one or two things about me.  She gave me a couple of contact names from PRIDE in the area, but they were not interested in what I was going through, or they were only looking for some "action".  I was not there yet.  I didn't even know if I could be with a man that way.   And then the events of history took the course God had established probably long before I was born.  Then I was directed onto a path that lead to ...............

My Jim:
I started thinking about some of the stuff I had  talked about with my Dad and Sister. I thought  why not see what is out there.  So on to the internet I went and typed in gay.  What appeared was a link to gay.com  and in there I found a listing of sites that were talking about "coming out".  Seemed to be fate.  I had to see what was in one of these.  Where did I go but to:  Raven's coming out site What I read there, seemed so inspiring.  Maybe just maybe I could continue on with what I had started.  I got so bold as to think, well I can put my name and email down and a few short words to explain what I was up to.  It was the very next day that I got an email form this stranger who had seen my email address on Raven's site.  Oh what had I done???  But there was something special here.  I didn't know what, maybe it was our ages, maybe it was identifying with another guy who was struggling as much as me in this coming out thing.  So I decided I would email this guy back.  Of course I had no idea where that would lead, but at that point I really didn't care.  I just knew I had to have someone to talk to about all this emotion and confusion in me.  But I determined, I was not going to do to anyone else what I had been so accustomed to in the past.  Now I was going to be 100% open and honest about all my life.  And if this guy didn't want to continue writing to me, well I guess I didn't have anything to loose.

Well that is how Jim came into my life.  Just taking a good healthy risk in opening up just enough to allow someone to want to know what else was behind the door.  I know it was not very long before Jim set me up with ICQ  that was something very new and exciting.  I am even at this point one who calls himself a computer neophyte.  But we talked and we listened, we unburdened our hearts and searched together for some answers, at the very least some direction.  It did not take very long at all and we discovered that we thought so much alike, we felt so much alike we seemed for all the world to be twins, even though I am 11 days older than Jim.  We decided it must have been one heck of a birth.  Ha.

Our Friendship continued to grow, and by Christmas time, I found a tremendous thrill as I received a package from Jim filled with Christmas cookies, and some other treats that were just a long distance handshake.  But then the idea that this package had been in his hands, that he had taken the time to package it up and send it to me;  that is was with him and was now with me, well it thrilled me.  I knew right then Jim was a whole lot more than just a friend.  I would of course not admit to that.  I just pushed it off as being silly.  So when Christmas Eve came?  What could I do.  I needed to hear the voice of this dear friend, to wish him a wonderful christmas and maybe take this relationship to a new level.  So I telephoned Jim.  Oh what a wonderful mistake that was.  I think I scared the spit out of him, and I know it upset him for a couple of days.  Maybe because it was too real.  We both had been warned over and over and over again about relationships on the net.  "Look out, you never know who is on the other end."

Well I found out in a bit of a tough way, what a treasure Jim was, on the other end of our electronic friendship.  On Feb. 11th  I ended up having a heart attack, and was sent through all rig-a-maroll  (nice word there).  And Jim, that wonderful, intelligent, resourceful man, tracked me down while I was in the hospital and telephoned me.   I guess he had to start admitting that he was concerned about me.  (I would like to say he had to admit what a great catch I am, but my modesty won't let me do that)
Then on Feb. 17th, exactly a week after my heart attack Mom died.  So what does Jim do, He on his own ability discovered where the funeral would be, (about half way between my home in MT and His in CT, and he sent flowers to the church, and after the funeral, somehow found my dad's home phone number and called me there.  You want to talk about treasures,  I have one.  Now just one more point about Feb.  one week after Mom died, I turned 50.  Oh my Gosh what terrible things I had to go through turning 50 what a shock.  But I used that day to start my life over again.  I am now looking forward to my first birthday.

Well Jim has explained our first meeting, and he is so accurate I don't need to go on much farther.  But as adventurous as that kind of meeting was, and what wonderful memories it created, the adventure we are on now is much greater.  Many plans and hopes and dreams.   So much left to do and decide, but just knowing that we will be doing it together, knowing that we have each other as a partner, friend, confidant, sometimes even conscience makes life a wonderful and exciting prospect. Like Jim has said one of our biggest challenges has been to reconcile being a Gay Christian. We have done that and now know that the love we share is a gift from God and also that we have opportunity to show others that love as reflected by us.

Even now I know I am experiencing the fullness of God's gift of love for another person for the first time.  I know that Jim and I will be able to conquer anything that may be set before us.  Not all will be pleasant, not all will be happy, but together we will build the joy that this life can hold.  It is a wish and desire we have for all the people we know, and even for some of you who are still struggling. I can only pray that God touches your heart as clearly and wonderfully as He has ours.  Now we as a Threesome, Jim, Me, and God. well .......we are an unbeatable team.
 
 

Some final thoughts:

Just a little bit of our dedication:

        In fervent gratitude for our God's love and His many wondrous gifts to us, we dedicate ourselves to Him with all that we have;  we pledge Him our willing service, wherever and whenever he has need for us to do so.
        We pledge our hands to do work for Him, feet to go on His errands, voices to speak of His love and every power of our life to the great task of demonstrating His love and life in us.
 

And a little bit of Scripture-------  Philippians 2: 1 - 3      If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from His love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.