Here I am on the boat enjoying a little coffee in the morning. Ok... I admit it, I'm trying to look cool here but I'm smiling because I now see how wonderful life really is and how much I have to look forward to.  Welcome to my personal page where I will try to tell you a little bit about myself and also about this incredible and curious ride I have been on.  Sit back, relax, and read on. Jim Swanson... email me ICQ#:20747013 Holderness, NH

Refresh page to see updates of webcam. Image is of view from office windows. It will obviously be dark at night

• Openness and total honesty are required for any relationship. Period.  It has a lot to do with why I came out and has become the foundation for my life. It is something I wish I had known a long time ago. Being open and honest, even with myself, has changed my life. Speak from your heart and don't be afraid.
• You can not fully express your faith until you have allowed yourself to be who you are.
• God's greatest gift is love.
• Other Things I have Learned  ...  a pretty good list I compiled in 1998.

• I like Squam Lake and  my early morning boat rides where I can find peace and solitude and get my day off to a great start.
• I like fishing. This is something Kenny introduced me too and what great fun it is.
• I like being involved in my church,  Center Harbor Congregational Church doing Christ's work
• I like tools of all kinds and I also enjoy doing woodworking
• I like computers, the internet, classical music and those 'oldies'
• I like helping others deal with their coming out or just being a friend.
• I like testing all those wonderful micro brewery beers.
• I like brewing beer. We have found that we are capable of quite a few very tasty varities; IPA, Brown Ale, Irish Stout, and traditional Ale.
• I like cross country train trips and sleeping cars and all that wonderful scenery out west.
• I like children and they like me
• I like TV trivia...  I guess I watched more than my share as a kid. Some of my old favorites were Route-66, Sky King,  The Outer Limits, Twilight Zone, and Mission Impossible
• I like to laugh and to make others laugh
• I like writing ( yes..  even poetry )
• I like walking and hiking. Love seeing the natural wonders of the world.
• I like movies like: The Forbidden Planet,  Sound of Music, On Golden Pond, Casablanca, The Harry Potter movies and Lord of the Rings.
• I like Songs like: From this Moment, No Matter What, I Hope You Dance, all the Beachboys and now... so many others. It seems that the rock of the 70's has become even more enjoyable.

• to love and serve God
• to love Kenny and share our lives together.
• to touch the lives of others in some positive way  -  That is the purpose of this web site.

• I hope that some day we will all be judged for who we are.
• I dream of the day when I too can celebrate my love, my anniversaries, and all that is important in my life with the rest of my church family. [Done]
• I dream of the day when Kenny & I will be living together. -- [Done!]
• I dream of the day when Kenny & I will celebrate all the holidays together.-- [Done!]
• I hope to work in the UCC to inform others of the homosexual issue and to support ONA (Open and Affirming) -- [no longer a hope but a reality]

• I am learning to play the piano (well I plan to one of these days). Only can play my player piano right now. Kenny and I are going to play a duet some day, I'll be on the piano and he on the violin. We can dream.
• I am learning to paint with water colors and create some of those beautiful painting I love
• I'm working on ONA (Open and Affirming) in the New Hampshire United Church of Christ (NH UCC).  I have come 'out' in my church.  Read why I believe it is important for churches to deal with this issue and why ONA is so important. A little essay I wrote.
• I want to make a real difference in this world and help others.

• Do what is right. A simple way to make decisions you will never regret.
• Be open and honest to yourself and others
• Set Goal that seem impossible... then go for them. You will be surprised what can happen.
• Go to Church as often as possible. and be active in it
• Enjoy the ride. Getting there usually is as much fun as being there
• Tell those that you love that you do... and do it often.
• Be creative and exciting in love. 50 ways to please your lover
• Live in the  present. This is life, don't defer it
• Read the book "Learning to Fall" by Philip Simmons
• Take care of yourself, eat right and exercise.
• Make a difference... do something with your life to help others. Examine your life and don't waste it.
• Laugh at yourself... laugh at life.
• Keep a journal and be totally honest with all your feelings.
• Work hard... Play hard...  and approach Love with the same conviction
• Face your fears and take healthy risks
• Seek God and claim your own faith
• Know that faith is a journey that lasts all your life
• Do not separate your faith from your everyday life

Brother John & me

The early years I grew up in the small town of Newington Connecticut and never had to move as I grew up. I lived in that same house most of my life. I had a happy childhood for sure and loving parents and one older brother. John and I were and still are best of buddies. We were so close, I remember crying when he left for college. I have many wonderful memories of those early years. When I was 8 my 90 year old grandfather came to live with us. He was a treasure. Sure would like to talk with him now.

Dad and me (cute huh?)

Age - 7

I had some really good friends but only one close one at any time and never would I admit to my feeling toward other boys. I knew I was different and somehow, I also had a feeling it was wrong. No one ever talked about the kind of feeling I had and I always knew it must be my secret. I was a popular kid in school and I had enough friends and I was happy. I was considered skinny, kind of shy, and certainly not very athletic. I remember living in a private little world sometimes and not having much interest in things that most boys liked such as sports. I do remember being told that I threw a ball like a girl. Not exactly a confidence builder. It's funny..  I knew myself so well and yet realized others never would.

Age - 10

1965 fuelie Vette

In junior high and high school I was kind of nerdy in some ways but spent too much of my time avoiding the school work I really should have been doing and kept my head either under the hood of cars or working on some project. The one exception was physics, which I enjoyed. I attribute that to the great teacher I had. (Thanks Mr. Hill.)  In those days I also enjoyed photography (set up my own darkroom) and fooling around with electronics. I loved building  Heathkits if you remember those. Still have that old stereo. I had one such very good friend in those days and Dick and I spent a lot of time together. We made dreams for the future and we became so close, discussing everything... everything except my one great secret. I regret that now.

Being gay was not as easily accepted in high school then as it is now.  Though I suspect if I were doing it today I would still be too much of a coward to consider coming out in high school, but who knows. I just about never dated, didn't go to any of the proms, and started to question my self worth and if I would ever be 'normal'. I do remember thinking then that I knew I had so much love inside of me, love I would never be able to express.  I guess like Ken, I was a late bloomer in some ways. I didn't get my drivers license until I was 18 and of course didn't have my first taste of beer until I was able to do so legally at the age of 21. It was important to me to do what was 'right' and to please others at any cost. Yeah, a goodie two-shoes. Most of those years were relatively good as I learned the skills of avoidance but there were also some tough days and times when I wondered how I ever could have a normal life which I knew I was expected to have. One thing that will surprise some is that at this time I actually became homophobic. It remained so right up to the time I came out. I suppose it was part of the act but it did go deeper. I was convinced that homosexuality was bad and by acting out against it, it gave me a way to show I believed that. I was not comfortable having people show affection to me in particular, if they were physical. And if a guy tried to hug me... well, I put up a pretty good protest. Oh how I regret that now. Funny as I think about it because this is so much a part of my life now. There were some dark and scary days too when I wondered how I could go on or if I would go on. There were times that death seemed like the only way out even if I could keep my secret and if anyone ever found out I was gay, I know I would have killed myself. I had even figured out how I would make it look like an accident driving my corvette in to a bridge abutment. It's funny how isolated and alone we can feel, and how desperate we can be. I just would not have been able to handle the embarrassment and shame I would have felt. Being accepted at that age is so important and the internal struggle can cause one to be so lonely.  I have come to realize a lot of gay kids go through this and sadly some don't survive.
 

Age - 21

This picture is taken right from my 1971 College ID card. Geeezzz..   Get a load of that hair. Can you believe it? I didn't leave home to go to college a fact that I now regret but at the time had no desire to do so. Why would I want to venture out in to the world any more than I had to? I majored in Physics for 3 1/2  years before I changed colleges and majors ending up at the University of Hartford in the field of computers.

 Again, college life for me was quite different. Still very little dating and very little social events at all that I can remember and never did I dare to act on my growing desire to be with another man. The little dating that I did do was not much fun for me and I suspect not for my dates either. I was trying to do what I was expected to do but it just didn't work. How I worried about being discovered during these times. I was oh so careful to not do anything that might even look gay. I remember not crossing my legs a certain way for sure it would tell others I was queer. I was so afraid that I would do anything to avoid being discovered. I remember even being so desperate that I sometimes though about being raped by another man so I could experience what I needed yet have no guilt about it. But I somehow found the strength to go on with life.

I did continue to enjoy cars and was fortunate enough to live very near a section of turnpike that was right out of the movie 'American graffiti' So... Saturday nights often meant cruising. Not for girls of course but to show off my car, enjoy the occasional drag race, and the company of a best friend. I guess a good indication of how those days were is that I can not really remember all that much about them. It all seems sort of distant.  As I look back at it....  it was pretty lame. I did manage to buckle down academically and I'm proud to say I graduated from UGH with a 4.0  I know now that I missed out on an awful lot and that is something I will never do again. I also know there are so many others going through this same thing and I am going to find ways to help them.
 

our beach on Squam Lake

I was recruited by IBM right out of college to work in field engineering where  I fixed computer equipment in some of their largest accounts. I  worked lots of extra hours in those days including weekends and nights. I guess work was my whole life and my co-workers really became the only friends I had. It was ok but I did feel I was missing something as I watched my brother and so many friends move on with their lives and start families. Even now I had to figure out how to avoid dating and come up with excuses when asked. I did try a date on the odd occasion but I only did it to keep my cover I guess and yet I was still hoping that maybe something would click. I wish Mom would stop asking if I had met any nice girls.

 It was at this time in my late 20s that I finally started to realize that I was never going to get married and I would die alone some day. I guess that was one thing that sort of bothered me...  being alone as I grew older. In a way, I think I knew this all along. I remember thinking I would never be married when I was just a kid or 8 or 9. Funny how we try to lie even to ourselves. So, work really did become my life and as for kids, well, I enjoyed my brother's beautiful family and watching them grow up. I was a good uncle and enjoyed the roll.
 

In 1987, I built a home in New Hampshire on Squam lake. I still work for IBM and. I am one of the new bread of workers that 'telecommutes' to work. That means I work out of my home office which is located at the  Lake. I thank God every day for that blessing. My faith started to become more important to me now and that made the reality that I was gay even more difficult. I suspected that some people must be wondering why I wasn't married as I approached mid-life. So here I was settled in to my life with a good job, a few friends, a wonderful church,  a beautiful home, and my mother living with me. Yet... something was missing. What could happen now?  Only everything!

My Coming out story:

It is impossible for me to explain the amount of change that has taken place for me in the last few years. I guess that back then, I could not have guessed how happy I could be at this very moment.  I was so deep in the closet, so set in my ways and had absolutely no plans to change that. I didn't realize it at the time but my hiding had also been the root cause of family tensions and some messed up relationships with loved ones. (sorry Neet)  So if you are there too, just be aware that anything is possible. I was so good at acting straight that I had myself completely fooled. Heck, I was even homophobic! It amazes me how good we can be at fooling ourselves. I still had this notion that someday I would find the 'right' girl somehow and I would feel something, some spark that I had yet to feel. Then get married and maybe a family. Was that possible still? I know a few couples that are so much in love that they just seem to radiate it like my nephew John and his wife Jess. When I see them, I know what love can be.   I tried dating a few times in my life.  It was never a good experience. Well time was passing me by and I had just about resigned to the fact that I had all I was going to have in my life. Boy... was I wrong!

Like many things in our lives, there are often pivotal events that occur that end up having profound changes in our lives. The same was true for me though at the time, I was not aware of it. It was October 7th 1998 that I heard the news about the Matt Shepard beating. Matte was a 21 y/o college student in Wyoming that was beaten senseless, tortured, and left to die tied to a fence post on a bitterly cold wintery night because he was gay. He died 5 days later and I was crushed...  absolutely and profoundly... crushed. Why this particular event weighed so heavily on me I still don't know. Here was a kid of slight build and gentle ways that somehow presented a threat to the thugs that beat him to death. The ache in my heart became unbearable and I cried myself to sleep a couple of nights. I was feeling such emotion... such grief.  The thing that struck me was that there was no one to share my grief with. No one I could tell. No one that would understand. I had build myself a prison. What kind of a life was I having? My God... what was I going to do? It really wasn't Matt's death so much I guess but my own that I could see. At least for the first time in my life, I was starting to admit to myself that I was gay, that this could have happened to me. At least Matt had had the courage to live his life openly and truthfully. I felt ashamed. I started to really think about how I didn't fit into our society. I even noticed how sad so many love songs seemed to be for me. I cried constantly in church. It was about this time that another random event occurred as the deacons in my church, of which I am one, decided to have someone come and speak to us about homosexuality and the church. The speaker, Les Norman,  was a minister who has a gay son. Listening to him describe his son in such a loving way and to see that not only can family accept but also love and even become closer sounded so good to me. He also introduced me to the work being done by UCC in the area of Open and Affirming, ONA, churches. His story about his son coming out to him was so touching and so close to my heart. I began to see some hope. I could also see that the church and my faith had room for gays...  maybe. Well these events caused me to give my sexuality some serious thought for the first time in my life. This threw me deep in to many gay resources on the internet as I tried to find help. I found that I could talk to other gays in chat rooms. I experienced some of the emotions I had repressed for so long. I started to enjoy being gay and then, also quite by chance, I came across the "Raven's coming out site". Was I actually thinking about coming out? I always had said that I would rather be dead than be discovered. But I was fascinated by the stories of others and how they coped with coming out and what I discovered was story after story of hope, of new life, and unexpected support. It was at that point that I knew that through Matt Shepard's death, I had been reborn. After visiting the Raven site I understood I too had to come out. This was so scary.

The more I contemplated coming out, the more excited I got. Mostly fear I think. I had even started to plan how and where I would do it. I had a close friend, Tony, who I knew I could tell  if I could tell anyone. I was on a business trip when I made the fateful decision to come out to Tony when I got back in town. I remember feeling the excitement all that day as I anticipated doing the unbelievable. We went to the Red Hill Inn for an evening of talk and a couple of beers. I ordered a beer and as I sipped at it nervously I somehow got the conversation moving in the direction I wanted. I do remember even that being difficult. When it was time to do it, I couldn't even use 'the' word. I illustrated on a scrap of paper a straight line and a non-straigh one. I pointed to the straight one and said something about "That's not me". There! I had done it. Well to my surprise, Tony's response was..  "you're curvy???" Oh dear, this was going to be harder than I thought. I simple said, "I'm not straight".  He got it and a look of total disbelief came over his face. Yet at the same time I instantly felt the weight of all these years being lifted. I was free at last and able to just be me... at least with this one person. I shall never forget that moment. Well Tony's reaction then became one of total acceptance and in fact he felt honored that I chosen to tell him. I always figured my friends and family suspected I was gay anyway and when I asked Tony about this, he said that the only indication might have been that I was single and didn't talk much about dating but there was nothing in my personal behavior. I guess I really was good at the closet life. I have learned that your real friends will accept you for who you are even if they are a little surprised at first. Those that don't... well, they just don't sound like friends to me.

Well, this was only the beginning and I still dreaded that I would have to tell my Brother and the rest of my family and friends. This still seemed impossible. Yet, I also knew I had tasted freedom and courage and a new life. I remember thinking that the traditional family get together for Thanksgiving was coming up. I had visions of saying something like "Please pass the gravy. Oh by the way, did I mention I am gay?" This would then be followed by Mom falling face forward in to her mashed potatoes and my brother keeling over backwards on his chair. Just how was I going to get this done? Then I met Ken and my entire world started to change. As our love grew deeper and deeper, we both found courage to do what we now knew we had to do. When the time was right I did tell my brother John. I must admit that he had the look of a deer caught in the headlights but a little later that same night, he gave me a hug while we stood in the parking lot of the restaurant we had gone to and with that I knew it would be okay. I felt so very close to my brother just then. I couldn't wait to tell Ken what I had done. I also wrote a coming out letter to my family for those I did not have an opportunity to speak to face to face. As the rest of the family learned I was gay a most remarkable thing happened. We all became more open and found we were all being drawn closer together, closer  than we had been in years. A most amazing thing. I actually found that my nieces and nephews were happy for me and excited. Wow... how wonderful. My family has shown me unconditional love. At the same time, my Christian faith grew stronger and I am closer to God than at any time in my life. I guess once you are honest with yourself and no longer ashamed, it affects changes in those all around you. Locked in that old closet all those years was also my love and my faith. Oh, and one more thing, I started to notice how many beautiful songs dealt with love. How could I have missed that?
 

My Ken:  My Soul Mate

Then...  just when I figured things were going pretty good and couldn't get much better, I discovered that I had no idea as to what God had planned for me or where life would be taking me next. The curious ride was about to take a new turn. It was November 7th when we made that fateful contact. Of all places, I had returned to Raven's coming out site to enter an update regarding my coming out in the guest book. What do I find but this guy called Ken has just made an entry in the guest book and something about it just caught my attention. We were the same age and it sounded like very much in the same situation...  just starting to come out. In hopes of finding a friend, I sent him an email and he responded. . And as they say... the rest is history. Little did I know what a wonderful guy I had found, my soul mate. As for that guest book...   it is magical!

 As I look back to those early days, I think I knew there was something special about this guy. We kept in very close contact with email and soon on ICQ  which allowed us to chat almost every night. Usually for hours. In fact, during our first year, I have sent Ken hundreds of e-mail. How wonderful the internet has been for our long distance relationship. It has been our lifeline. Well, as good as chatting is, we soon had a burning desire to meet. It's funny how that went. When we first started to hint at meeting, we decided that the 2002 Olympics would be a good chance to meet. That was about 3 1/2 years away and I guess sounded pretty safe. Well, we found that we kept moving up the date and before we knew it...  we had plans in motion. This was getting very exciting!

On March 19, 1999 we had our first face to face meeting when I flew to Montana (about 2400 miles away) for a long weekend with Ken. Not sure if It was courage, a need for adventure, foolhardiness, or just being crazy but I did get on that plane. I had to. As I walked off and toward Ken, I felt something I had never experienced before in my life, My legs got rubbery, I held back tears and there it was... I was finally experiencing that special spark I had been looking for all my life. How's that song go?.. "looking for love in all the wrong places...".  Since that first visit, we have been together many more times and the curious ride continues. Full and rich in its spender we grow closer and more in love with each passing day. One of our biggest challenges has been to reconcile being Gay Christians. We have done that and I now know that the love we share is a gift from God and  that we have opportunity to show others that love as reflected by us.

I know now that Ken and I are soul mates and will be partners living together in the future (summer  2001). It is very exciting to think about and it will present yet other challenges for us. But one thing I do know, he will be by my side and I will be by his. The joy, peace, and happiness I feel now is unequaled.

Now what?  (added 7-11-2000)
This web site was first created in November 1999 and now it is the summer of 2000 and as I look back at all that has happened in that short time I realize how much the future holds. It is bright in deed! Since I came out and met Ken, I have become a complete person. I have been keeping a journal and have written 1.5 million characters trying to record all my feelings and thoughts. I see such a change.  We have also had so many wonderful visits since we met. So many treasured memories, romantic times, fun times, shared times. Ken has met just about all my family and friends and every one of them has welcomed him with open arms and love. What a blessing they all are! And now we have a plan to be together. We have set the date for July 2001 when Ken will move here to NH and we will live together. What an event that will be. We both have things to do to get ready but nothing is stopping us now.

One of the most significant things I have seen change is that I no longer think about being gay. In fact, it hardly comes up at all.  That's kind of interesting because I lived so many years in that silly closet and now I find it to almost be a non issue. Ken and I are a loving couple and the love we share somehow doesn't have anything to do with gay. It is simply a reflection of God's love for us.

Ken and I have seen our love grow deeper and deeper and we have both worked at continuing to be totally open and honest with our feelings. There is no magic to this loving stuff. You only need to listen to your heart, trust your feeling, take some healthy risks and let go. As I look at those about me, I wonder how many have felt what I am feeling now and how many have experienced the love of God and the love of another human being with the intensity I have.
 
 

Some final thoughts: New Years 2000

I am so alive now, so full of energy, so full of love.  I used to think I was a sinner that wanted to do perverted things for my own self pleasure and was not happy with what I was.  Now... first off the what I am is irrelevant. Who I am, is a loving Christian that is capable of giving love and of being loved. Someone that wants to share all that I can and do so in the eyes of God knowing that He wants me to share his wonderful gift... love.  I wish you could all know and experience the happiness and love I have found and find the courage to challenge your fears and to trust in your heart. Coming out has truly transformed my life. I know it is almost impossible to see when you are in the closet hiding but it's a wonderful world out here if you give it a chance. Ken and I share our lives living as one now and every moment together is a cherished one. We are truly soul mates enjoying the gifts we have been blessed with. Whether it is entertaining some friends, sitting around our campfire on the beach, fishing, getting a dinner ready, shopping, going on a walk, swimming, doing house cleaning, or maybe just sitting under the pine trees, we know God has blessed us with His love and we cherish every single moment. This fantastic journey continues and every day I find more new friends, more challanges, more love, and more faith.      Be sure to check out the "What's New?" section of  this web site to keep up with what's going on. -- Jim